Implusive disorder

I am going to jump straight in there and say I have anxiety and I have done for a long time. My anxiety comes with some added bonuses of an implusive skin picking disorder and some traits of ocd.

It's taken a long time to come to terms and admit this but I am fine with it. I know how my mind works a lot better now and I am well more equipped for dealing with any "attacks".

I guess the biggest impact on my life has been my skin picking. I can't remember exactly when it started but in school I used to have lots of spots on my arms and i didn't like them. I used to pick the spots just because they were there. But it developed into a much more complicated ritual.

I used to spend hours and hours scanning my skin for any bumps and spots or slight imperfections that I could pick at. Then I would pick with my nails, tweezers or anything sharp. I only saw it as me trying to rid my skin of the impurities but actually I was generally causing more harm than good. I could pick for hours and hours at a time. I used to go into a trance where I would have no idea how long id be picking for. The only reason I would stop is because there was nothing left to pick. My skin used to go red and bleed and I would be so embarrassed I wouldn't show my arms or sometimes even go out. My family and friends started to notice and question me. Truth is I was actually too embarrassed to talk about it. I thought it was weird and I didn't know anyone else who did it. So I thought going to the Doctors would just been an ordeal!

It wasn't till I was at university and I sought help for depression that I started to talk about my skin picking. Even then it was still another two years after I finished university that I actually started getting help for it. That was when I started to get CBT.

Anyone who is going through anything like this should know, you are not alone and as weird as you may think you are, someone else is probably going through the exact same thing. I wish I had someone to tell me this a few years ago and maybe I would have sought help sooner!

I actually read an article in the daily mail about a girl who did the same thing as me and it was such a relief to almost read my life story through the mouth of someone else! Finally I had found someone who understood!

Apart from gaining this understanding that I wasn't alone CBT has been one of the most helpful forms of therapy I have received. For anyone that doesn't know, CBT means Cognitol behavioural therapy! It is a much more hands on approach to therapy and is very effective in helping people with implusive disorders like myself as well as OCD and anxiety.

I went on a waiting list for the NHS "Time to Talk" CBT. I was told initially I would need to wait at least 6 months but within 2 I was having my first appointment. I didn't really know what to expect. Without going into too much detail the therapy helped me understand my anxiety and it's causes. But also understand exactly what is happening with my body and mind. The science behind it was explained and I was given tasks and activities to complete to try and 'break my cycle' of thinking. What I actually realised is that I had a ritual I was following everytime leading up to my skin picking. There was usually some sort of trigger, I would start to feel anxious and get the urge to start picking. Picking had turned into my coping mechanism with my anxiety and I found it relieving, at least for the short term, to pick my skin because it was a focus away from other thoughts. In fact I was getting myself into a twisted cycle of feeling bad, picking, making myself feel temporarily better and then feeling even worse and guilty for doing it.

Once I had established my 'ritual' or 'cycle', the key of the therapy was how to break this. Basically try various activities, practices to try and help stop me following the same pattern.

I've tried everything from stress balls, to moisturising, to standing on one leg, wearing gloves, hiding tweezers etc.

I've found a good enough balance now.

If I feel the urge to pick there's a few things I do:
- I tell my boyfriend and he helps me stop
- I go play with my dog
- I have a shower - sounds weird but I find cleaning kinda eases the urge!
- I get my nails done. Having something on my nails that's thick helps me stop picking. I actually find   it harder to pick. I also am aware that I've paid for my nails to be done so I should take care of them.

I still pick, I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop completely but I don't do it as much as I used to. I barely ever pick my arms anymore so I usually show my arms a lot more. But i do pick elsewhere. It's hard to break a cycle you've followed for 10+ years but you can make things better! I have and I never thought I would!

Always remember you aren't alone! There will be someone feeling the same as you! Don't be afraid to seek help. If someone makes you feel silly, speak to someone else. If one form of therapy doesn't help, try another! There is so much out there!

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